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1. If I have whipped a subordinate for disobedience, I will recognize that they probably want to kill me, instead of blithely believing that they think they deserved it.
2. When I have captured the trespassing mouse with a sword, I will not snap his sword and put him in the dungeons for the winter. I will kill him immediately, and then if I absolutely must snap the sword, I will. (It’s almost a given he will harbor murderous attentions towards me otherwise.)
3. Similarly, if my incompetent father wishes to put the mouse in the dungeon for the winter, I will smile, agree, and then sneak down to the dungeons that night and kill the mouse.
4. If I have managed to capture a badger, young or otherwise, I will not keep him about in hopes he will be a great asset in battle. Instead I will kill him immediately.
5. I will not mess around with badgers just to show how awesome I can be. Fighting such a formidable creature is for the idiot warlords, not the Supreme Evil Overlady.
6. Badgers are bad news, and so are mice with swords.
7. When I hear of the location of the Sword of Martin the Warrior, I will recognize that this has brought many an evil overlord down in the past and might bring me down. So, I will send troops off on a wild, noisy, obvious quest for the one object that can destroy me (not), and then send out my trusted lieutenant dressed as a commoner to retrieve the sword.
8. Upon receiving the sword, I will melt it down into commemorative pins and then celebrate, not the other way around, and
certainly I will not keep it on a rack above my desk.
9. Intimidating as the dark and gloomy is, I will keep things shipshape and well-lit.
10. If I see a large ship sailing up the Moss, I will not wait for the otters to sink it to dam up the river and flood me out. I will immediately send troops to burn and destroy the ship. Preferably good swimmers.
11. All rough looking otters, mice, hedgehogs and especially squirrels will be offered a job with good benefits.
12. If they refuse, they will be drafted into the army, where they will receive good benefits plus the required Brainwashing for Troublesome Over-thinking Guards course.
13. I will occasionally listen to my advisors, for I do not know everything. Plus, they might actually have something worthwhile to contribute.
14. While I can instill great terror with my skill at using whips, I will by no means limit myself to the knowledge of this weapon, believing all else inferior, for it is something inferior that might kill me.
15. Attractive as it may be, everlasting youth is a crock and living forever is impossible.
16. When I say I will do something, I will do so, within reason. If I say I will kill a general for failure, I will do so, although good generals are hard to come by, so I will be careful in what I say. “Consequences will be dire.” accompanied by a glare usually does the trick.
17. All midwives, herbwives, and in general old women with the ability to heal, will be hired to work in the infirmary, and orphans will be adopted out to farm families, who will be their species. Parents so adopting will receive five years worth of grain and a purse of mixed (not gold, too conspicuous) coins and will be instructed to keep their mouth shut about the adoption.
18. I will not insist on blinding myself to the obvious, which is, I am mortal and so have weaknesses. I, however, can and will insist on keeping that fact from my enemies.
19. I will see my healers when sick, with none of this “I am tough and can heal without help” nonsense. Staying healthy is the best way to stay Supreme Evil Overlady.
20. I will not kill off the hero and then sit back and assume I am safe. There are always beasts about wishing to avenge the hero.
21. The hero or heroine will not be pushed off a cliff and left for dead. All dead enemies will have their heads cut off to make sure. Nor will I chase a wounded beast (especially an otter) into water and then leave them there, assumed dead.
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