Michalanglo(fixing)

[ratholos]

Name: Michalanglo Trovski
Age: 17
Birthplace: Far north
Gender: Male
Species: Mouse/Good
Job/Position: Fighter/Healer
Physical Description:

His size is about the height of a regular mouse, but also has a bit of a muscular build earned from living in the harsh north. And has a few scars from his few mistakes he learned from. Has dark brown fur and a short small regular color tail. And has ice cold blue eyes that look like ice. Wears a cloak made for cold weather and white undershirt for warmth. Also wears brown boots to protect his feet from the cold.Wears gray pants also to protect himself from cold. And has light armor he can change into when its not cold.

Belongings:

Backpack,tool kit, healer pouch, short sword, large round sheild, light armor(Hardened leather,Shoulder plate for left shoulder), utility belt,telescope

Personality:

He is a thinker, he always thinks before acting. Also is a bit curious around new beasts. But, when he puts his mind to a task, he always aims to finish it.
Strengths:
1.intellect
2.patience
3.ingenuity
4.Sword skills
Weaknesses
1.overthink
2.curiousness
If you dare hurt anybeast he calls a friend he will protect them till his very last breath.
Strong itellect and ingenuity can lead him into doing unusal solutions to problems and events.
He may look he dosen't like the cold, but in reality he kinda enjoys it.It also reminds him of his father he sorely misses and the mother he never got to know.But, what nobody knows, not even mike himself knows, is that he has a hidden rage within him that unleashs only under a special circimstance. It was almost out when he found his father murdered.

History:

Mike was born in the far north as a farmers son. His family didn't own much...

Code Words: Tears Trifle candlestick

Attachments:

[Django]

Hi, ratholos95! Welcome to ToRA. I'm liking your warrior mouse character, but before I accept your profile, I'd like to see some things fleshed out a bit more.

First, in his physical appearance. You describe him as having a tough build. What does that mean, exactly? Does he have scars? Is he muscular?
Also, you say he has brownish fur, but is it dark brown? Light brown? And what color are his eyes? His tail? His boots? His pants?
What does his light armor look like? Is it actual metal armor, or is it simple leather coverings?

Secondly, in his general occupation. What made him want to become an archer? Did his father teach him? Why is he a healer? And who taught him the ways of a healer? I see that he has a strong intellect and ingenuity. How has he used these since becoming a traveller?

Also, if you could flesh out his history a bit more. I see that his mother died, leaving only his father to raise him to be strong. How does his father do this? Do they spar each day? Does his father give him many chores? It was only implied that they lived on a farm of some sort, is that right? And that they lived in the north. Did they constantly have to fight of vermin gangs? Is that how Mike grew to be strong?

Fix these things and I'll review your profile again. Thanks for your patience!
And you can find the code words in the rules if you look hard enough. We place the code words in the regulations to make sure you've read all the important stuff.
Hope you enjoy your stay at ToRA!
-Django

[ratholos]

I hope its better now in your eyes. By the way, after you accept this can i make some bios for his friends that will probably count as my characters? Did you like the hidden blades by the way? I thought it would make him more bad ass. Hes like a rough looking character with a passionate heart that could cheer anybody up.

[Django]

Ratholos, this profile is looking a lot better. But there are some things you could still fix. For example, how exactly does his shyness get in the way of his tasks? You said he always aims to finish a task whenever he starts one. Does his shyness keep him from completing the task fully? If so, how? Or does his shyness hold him back from even starting the task at all? If so, how?
Another thing, did Mike's intellect grow from constant tinkering with tools? Or does he just have a knack for fixing stuff? If he just has a knack, did he tinker with tools just for fun, then?
You're also missing one code word, but it shouldn't take that long to find if you look in the important places. Make these adjustments and I'll review the bio again.
I know this is a lot to change, but the staff and I here at ToRA want you to make the best character possible. Thanks for your patience!
-Django

[ratholos]

I hope thats everything you needed fixed. By the way, very clever code words.

[Django]

Alright, you've added a lot of good stuff to this character, and he's really coming along. I think he's almost ready to be approved, but I'd like you to do two more things for me.
First, I would like you to read over the profile completely, checking for anything you think you might have missed, like something you forgot to add, or even a simple spelling error here and there. Correcting those things would be a big help to me in reviewing the profile again.
Secondly, you are now missing two code words. You can find them in the threads in the Links section at the top left.
I know this is taking longer than you'd like, but, again, I want to help you make the best character possible.
Also, I'm sorry I didn't answer this question sooner, but yes you can make the profiles for Mike's friends if you want. But if you are willing to be patient with me until Mike is approved, you'll have to wait for me to look over those profiles, as well.
Thank you again!
-Django

[ratholos]

I think i got the right code words Milady Jan. *winks*
And i reviewed it as best i could.
I can wait for you to accept this character and start roleplaying.

[Django]

Okay, Mike is looking good, but you're still missing one code word. The two you have are correct, but there is a third one, and you can find it in those sections up in the Links bar.
Find that code word, and I think you'll be on your way. I'll look over it one last time when you find the last code word, alright?
Thank you so much for your patience!
Django

[ratholos]

i think thats it django. What do you think?And im glad i could be patient.

[Treble Tiderunner]

Hello Ratholos! (I hope the 95 isn’t necessary..)

I commend you on your patience, and I’m glad you are so eager to start roleplaying, we’ll try to get you going quickly! There’s just a few things Jan hasn’t mentioned that I’d like to address. J (For starters, please write in paragraph form, not in a blob, so we can read it easier. Thanks)

He is 17 years old, please choose one profession and stick to it. There is no basis for him to be a sniper assassin, for instance. I also see him as possibly too highly powered, if you could separate his weaknesses/strengths and put them in list format (You can still provide explanations for them, if you like) this would make judging your personality easier.

I would also prefer to get rid of the crossbow and black powder (both weapons we’re not prepared to allow in this timeline) and I would like some explanation for where he gets all this armor, being only 17, poor and a farmer. I also have reservations about the hidden extending blades, they serve only one purpose by your own admission, and I believe that’s another item you could cut out. Your character does not need a bunch of cool-sounding stuff/traits/jobs/history to be interesting. He can be an interesting inventive healer just fine. If you could also edit out your comments, that would be great, as they are not necessary.

I understand that he thinks a lot. What else drives him? Does he hate the cold? (He seems to, based on your physical description) How does his history shape him? Did he love his father, does he miss him? Does he wonder about his mother? What does the attack on his home make him feel? Is he allergic to anything? Why does he consider himself a healer or a inventor(whichever job you choose) How are these friends ‘unusual’? Don’t limit yourself to these questions, they’re just to get you started. Think. He’s more real than you think, and he’ll tell you about him.

Also, killing you in cold blood because you’ve harmed a friend of his seems to indicate anger problems (not to mention, contradict itself because killing in cold blood is to kill without provocation, and you state he’ll kill for his friends) Perhaps if you instead stated something like ‘he’s very protective of his friends’ or ‘he’s over-protective of his friends, and they sometimes feel he smothers them’ or ‘he’s clingy and very overprotective’ or ‘he hates to see his friends hurt, and can be over-protective.’ Just some food for thought.

His history is bare-bones, but it gets the job done, though again, I’d like to suggest you separate it into paragraphs. I’d also like it if you could go over it and rewrite a few fragments into sentences. (After, but, and, & sometimes when starting sentences turn that sentence into a fragment. When writing you want to avoid them as much as possible, unless you add a full sentence (or even a fragment) to the fragment and make it a sentence, such as I’ve done here.

Thanks Mike, I appreciate it. I’m looking forward to seeing you and your character(s) on the board.

Skipp

[ratholos]

Don't worry about the 95 part. Im fine with either rath or ratholos. And thanks for the sorta long reply. It really got me thinking about my character.
On a different note, his friends that he meets I won't make their bios yet until Michalanglo is accepted.
Or, could I make them even though my character hasn't been accepted yet?
Could he also do a different form of a bloodwrath?

[Treble Tiderunner]

I would rather not give your character that at this point in time. I don't get a sense from his profile that you would handle it well.

I will review your bio again once I don't have to strain to read it. Please make the requested revisions to the history and personality. Since its difficult to discover just what weaknesses and strengths he has, try making a list, like I suggested.

1.
2.
3.

and so on with what you've given him as weaknesses/strengths.

Thanks for editing his jobs and possessions. Lets work on the rest so you can join the hullaballoo.

[ratholos]

i hope thats everything. took longer then i thought.